From Mental Health to Mastery
5 years ago
My name is beth and I suffer from mental health issues.
My name is Beth and I am a victim of domestic abuse
My name is Beth and I am a single mum on benefits
Today
My name is Beth (aka mum) and I am living and enjoying my life.
Obvious question is, what has happened in the space of 5 years? Well, if I’m honest I couldn’t pin point one thing but I put it down to a series of situations, support and mostly acceptance.
Even though these things were horrendous and seemed never ending and constantly pushing me towards my negative self, I would never change them. They have made me who I am today and I love who I am.
I truly believed I was born to be negative and sad. In my teens I went to various NHS councillors and then started to feel it was due to my upbringing and I felt extremely bitter about it.
This continued into my 20’s. During this time, I was stubbornly self sufficient and refused any signs of help or kindness from anyone. Everything was about what I felt would make me happier and how can I get it.
I had held down a job since I was 14 and when I was mid twenties I decided I needed something else. Up to this point, everything I did was always to get something I thought would improve my life. My mum was my only constant in my life and she was diagnosed with cancer whilst I was working at a cancer charity. I reverted back into hermit and angry me, as I had done in every previous time of crisis. Only this time was different. I was beginning to realise I was really very unhappy.
It took all of my being, but I asked for help. It was someone I didn’t know very well, but felt I could open up to. Two weeks later, I was voluntarily sectioned into a mental health unit. At the same time my mum was in a different city having her tumour removed. Also at this time I met my sons dad.
We met in the psychiatric unit and just clicked. We had so many similar feelings and thoughts. We moved into a hostel together and became a team. Where one struggled, the other supported. Two years later we had a baby and moved into our own flat. This seemed to heighten our individually unresolved problems and became an extremely toxic relationship. The next two years I’d rather not speak about, as personally I am still coming to terms with it myself.
Fast forward to today
I still have regular contact with my GP regarding my mental health. I take a fairly high dose of medication daily, BUT, I have discovered that despite this, (and the ongoing situation with my sons dad), I am able to find happiness in ways I have never felt before.
For me, I boil it down to accepting I wasn’t happy no matter what I did or didn’t do. It was just me and I wasn’t able to fix it alone. From when I finally said I needed help and was sectioned, I now realise that was the key for me. I am still stubborn and like to do everything myself and in my way, but the difference between then and now is that I have opened up a little bit more each time I feel it’s all too much. At first it was just to my doctors then playgroup leaders and then other mums and dads at playgroup.
Now I have allowed myself to let other people into my life and they have been there on a daily basis ever since whether I am having a good day or a bad day.
My son is now 3 and we have a really positive and tight bond. For the first couple of years I put him first, sometimes to my own detriment. Now I am a confident enough mum to be able to think of just me sometimes.
In the last few weeks (with confidence boosts, support and advice from my friends) I have put myself out there as a hobby cake maker. I truly love being a mum (except for the 5am wake up calls) but I also love doing things just for me. My son will always come first but if I want to have a cup of tea before I play dinosaurs I feel no guilt in saying so.
I am now 33 and have never felt the level of freedom and choice that I do now and am so pleased as I can teach my son and hopefully he will learn earlier than me, that accepting the situation, asking for help and giving yourself as much love and attention as you do others is the key for overcoming the hurdles that life throws at you.
Love
Beth xxxxx
If you would like to connect with Beth or talk to myself about anything above please feel free to do so by clicking here